Hold each other and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven

Two more weeks until school is out. First year of college will be DONE. Time passes by so quickly. I’m kind of scared and excited at the same time.

I need to find something to do over this long summer. I don’t want to go through another three months just eating, sleeping, and watching TV. I want to do something productive. I want to find a job in a mall or coffee shop or something, but my parents seem like they’re against it. Either 1) they don’t want me to start working already because I’d be working for the rest of my life after college anyways, or 2) there’s no point finding a job in those places because I won’t earn much and it’s got nothing to do with my future career and it would just be a waste of my time. I don’t really know. I was pretty pissed off after talking to them on the phone yesterday about it. I guess I was in a pissy mood and they were in weird moods, and having two sides like that converse just wouldn’t result in a very friendly atmosphere.

I need to study for my Ling 20 final next Wednesday and start typing my 1o-15 page research paper for my cluster. I’m hoping I could finish that early so I’ll be able to spend time with my friends who are leaving before the end of finals week because they’re done already. I’ll miss them. Feels like I don’t have many friends back in my hometown, or many good friends to be more specific. Sometimes, I feel like I lack that “making friends” genes. I can “know” a lot of people, but I never really find people who I can share almost everything with and wouldn’t mind spending a lot of time together. Or maybe I’m born a boring person and I really don’t enjoy company even though I feel like I need it, and people don’t like talking with me because there’s nothing fun to talk about.

I’ve been spending so much time on YouTube searching for music videos and Dean/Castiel or Castiel fan videos. God, Supernatural season 6 killed me at first for being so random and crappy that I was only watching for the pretty, but then the two-hour finale swings around and kills my beating heart and soul. The hell. I was in utter shock after watching it and the only thing I could mutter was “The fuck.” Yeah. I couldn’t comprehend anything. I both love and hate what the writers/producers/etc. did with all the characters in there, especially with Castiel and that unstable relationship between him and Dean ever since the first episode of season 4. It has always been fun playing on the Destiel love, but now it seems like even the show producers are trying to make them canon to an embarrassing state. All that “We’re once family” and “You’re like a brother to me” and “I would’ve died for you” are just loaded words superficially written in to have the finale end like that, but I see absolutely no proof for any action that would’ve led up to all these emotional words.

Come on, even I found whatever happened ridiculous, and I thrive in the celebration of fan-made Destiel. I want to know how whatever happened in the finale would be made sensible in season 7 (Seriously? I love this show but please give us some substance instead of just writing whatever and being able to pull off anything because you’ve got pretty boys on the show.), but in the meantime I am surviving on the sheer crazy amount of videos erupting from the last two episodes of season 6. They’re all so beautiful and I can force myself to believe everything was that beautiful in all actuality. And on top of all this happening, there’s news that Misha won’t return as a regular on the show. Man, economy’s really going to shit if the station can’t even pay its actors. People have been freaking out that Castiel won’t be on the show as often now, and I have to admit I was at first, but being a regular or not doesn’t really affect how much screen time you get, in a sense. Cas showed up plenty in season 4 (a beautiful, gorgeous season; can we have something like this again?) without Misha being a regular, and I’m totally fine with things like that in season 7. I actually find myself angry most at predicting the huge pay loss Misha would have to expect. I’ve never even met the man, but I’m unhappy with how his job is being “demoted.” Again, the hell.

I wish I had some of that artistic motivation I had when younger back in my life. I want to find happiness in drawing or doodling anything, in writing story inspirations (even though they’re most likely crap), in making graphic designs or playing around with Photoshop, and in making websites/studying and playing around with HTML/spending hours working on the smallest details trying to make a page beautiful. I don’t even know where all my muse ran off to; it’s pretty sad, actually, seeing how far I’ve gone and realizing I haven’t gone anywhere at all. Been running around in circles. I don’t see many changes in this life as compared to my first year in high school.

It’s so easy to adapt to new things and grow mundane. How do you find true happiness? Sometimes, I don’t even know what I desire. I’m beginning to think I will never find that boy who will one day become the man of my dreams. I feel as if I’m making changes but I’m not really. I think I’m doing something with my life that I and people around me could be proud of, but it’s not really happening. I want to believe I’m learning through experience and advancing my knowledge in school, but I feel more stupid every day.

Songs currently on playlist:
“Where’d You Go” – Fort Minor (Murdok Mudstep Remix)
“Stay” – Hurts
“I’m In Here” – Sia
“Heartbeats” – Scala & Kolacny Brother
“If I Die Young” – The Band Perry
“Dream” – Priscilla Ahn
“Corner of Your Heart” – Ingrid Michaelson
“Rubik’s Cube” – Athlete

Wow. I haven’t blogged in a while. Can’t believe the last post was about me being excited there’s only one week of high school left, and now I’m in the third week of the Winter Quarter in college. Holy moly. Where has the time gone?

So much has happened. I can’t even begin to summarize what’s happened; it’s really nearly impossible to talk about eight months in one tiny post. Oh, Happy New Years everyone. It’s 2011.

I’ve been pretty down lately, thinking life is just horrible and locking myself in my tiny dorm room. Because my roommates are rarely in, I have the whole room to myself most of the time. I feel like a vampire when I finally walk out after long hours of staring at my computer screen. It’s the life of an antisocial hermit, but I don’t really care sometimes. It’s easier hanging out with my computer than it is with people sometimes.

I wish that anyone whom I deem as friend would come and find me after noticing I’ve been missing for awhile, but no one’s done that. Instead, they’ve gone and done events I don’t even hear about until days later, and that slightly pisses me off. I guess every human being wants someone special to just visit first without having to reach out, yet it’s not going to happen that way. After straightening out some points in life and regaining my composure under my mom’s ‘once-in-a-while’ lesson life, I feel a lot better now.

There’s many more people out there who’s way off than me. I’m pretty sure many of you have already heard this saying and it’s getting quite grating, but I think of some of the problems my friends have and I actually feel better about myself. I’m not one to tell others my problems willingly because I don’t think they’re important enough for people to know or that no one really wants to know what’s going on in my life, so I just let everything slide. It always ends up with me bottling my thoughts up or forgetting about them, because all I want is someone to ask me first so I can find a chance to open up, but no one’s ever really asked. Then again, what can one ask when I give no hint to what they should be asking?

I learnt: there’s no point in trying to change others or expect others to return when you give, because in that you become unhappy when people don’t give back. Giving is supposed to be generous and happy, and asking for reciprocation is never part of the deal. I can’t change those around me, even the ones closest, but I can change myself to adapt and feel better. I can’t ask others to give me attention and items, but I can choose to give others what I want. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll surprisingly get something when I least expect it.

College equals an explosion of drama. Seriously. I think I went through a drama period, but now it’s mellowed down. I’ve always thought love stems from meeting the very special Mr./Ms. Right, but that’s not the case. Proximity brings the heart together, and from that erupts fireworks of emotions and feelings. I’ve felt them myself too.

I tried getting to him, but I didn’t think it was working. I was so confused and emotionally-flustered in the head and heart that I had no idea what’s going on anymore. Then I missed him when we parted in body, and now I forget him when I see him again. I’ve calmed down, thought things over, and believed I moved on. But with so many relationships going on around, I begin to re-evaluate what I want and how I feel about him again.

I don’t hate him. I don’t know if I love him, but I’m comfortable talking to him. I don’t normally want to tell others about myself or my problems, but with him I have an urge. I like how, after not speaking for a long time, we can still communicate easily with each other and act like we care. Maybe it’s the relationship and status we hold, but it feels nice. It really does. I have a feeling nothing’s going to happen, but I should use the time now to let him know me and–hopefully–for me to understand him more.

Oh God the week before AP testing. The teachers think it’s fun to pack everything into the week before the big, big tests.

Here’s the countdown of my week:
Monday: Calculus BC formula test
Tuesday: Calculus BC multiple choice part A, French AP part 1
Wednesday: Calc BC multiple choice part B, French AP part 2, English 19th/20th century test
Thursday: Calc BC free response part 1, French AP part 3
Friday: Calc BC free response part 2m French AP part 4, English in-class essay, Physio ch. 17 test

Swell. Friday seems like Judgment Day. I’m not as scared for the AP tests as I am for the ones in class. Gah–feels like that last stretch of a race. I’ve already gone so far and I’m so, so tired, but I know I must finish strong. So, I guess, take a big breath, and push my way through the finish line with everything I’ve got.

I thought about using the title of Supernatural’s latest episode as my title, but then it didn’t make sense, so I opted for something more related but clearly less creative.

I went to the Track meet yesterday against Sobrato and cheered on my ladies. Sobrato is known for the abundance of tall, hot, while males and females, and every time I pass by them, I wonder why I’m outrageously short. We all freaked over one of the middle-distance runners on Sobrato’s team: nickname Beta, Ketchup, or Mustard. He’s really cute; super sharp features and dark, dirty blond sort-of spiky hair. He’s got nice arm and leg muscles; the only downside was he has a horrible farmer’s tan. Now before I go and totally make it obvious who he is (as if the description isn’t enough), I shall stop and move on to Supernatural, “Point of No Return,” with two hunky males, a boyish brother, and an extremely sexy angel.

Now, I had my heart in my throat the whole entire time, mainly because I was overly excited in the beginning and was affected by the plot. It was epic. In short, here is my opinion. Dean was  jerk with his hypocritical attitude, Sam had very touching moments where he was close to crying, Adam was a bit annoying but got better, Bobby was powerful and hilarious, and Cas just kicked ass.

If I could upload pictures of all the wonderful moments Cas had in this episode, it would take forever to load this page. He begand with grabbing Dean to Bobby’s, successfully taking out two angel brothers, pulled Adam out of the grave, glared at Dean like he was some piece of meat, got “blown to oz,” came back and beat the crap out of Dean, went on a suicidal mission, carved a sigil out of his chest, and ripped his shirt and slapped himself in the chest to send all five killer angels surrounding the magical room back to heaven.

When he disappeared in a mix of flasing lights, crazy whirlwind, torn clothing and bloody chest, I sat stunned in my couch wondering if he died. I was so worried, because spoilers before said a character would go on a suicide mission and there will be a death, that I had to go online to check. Then I came across a question begging for Castiel and Bobby to not die, and the reply was, “There will be a death, but I wouldn’t call it major.” How can Castiel’s death NOT be major? It might as well be the Apocalypse if he ever died. The devil is in the detail, and then I realized “a death” probably meant Zachariah’s death aka THAT S.O.B. It’s funny how I didn’t even realize his was a death too, probably because I wanted him to die so much his death didn’t even seem that grave….

Now I’m going to shift focus and make a super long post. I’ve wanted to do this for a while, but my taste keeps changing. As of now, here are some random things about men that I absolutely go crazy for.

1. Suits and ties: Judging from my avatar, you should be able to tell. Something about guys in suits (black) make me go coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs. And the hottest part of all? A man loosening his tie and collar. (Castiel did this in the episode and I squealed like a mad woman.)
2. Hands: I love staring at a man’s hands, especially when they look very large and warm and can cover mine completely. And (you’ll soon see in #3), I love tall guys, so their hands usually are pretty long and slender themselves. Give me a pair of those elegent sexiness and I can stare for hours.
3. Height: I love tall guys. I don’t think this one’s really that uncommon. For me, I like the towering feeling I get when I stand to a very tall man (or not even, because I’m not even that tall to begin with). I have random quirks, like passing someone I like just to feel his tall presence or comparing heights all the time. I think I do that so often I can pretty much accurately estimate anyone’s height between 4’10” to 6’4″ (anything beyond I rarely see). I love it when I stand next to a man and the top of my head barely reaches his shoulder or at his shoulder. You may ask, “Why do you want a boyfriend THAT tall when you’re THAT short?” Well, I just like it.
4. The back of the neck where the hair line ends: This is something quite new. I know there is a form of Chinese beauty where the back of a female’s neck is the most beautiful part and thus need to be exposed to the world to admire. Well, for me, it’s for the male population. I like the back of the head where the hair is just beginning to fade and there is the neck fading into the collar of a shirt. Best part about this quirk? He can’t catch me staring!
5. Face, obviously, but specifically the eyebrows, eyes, and nose: It’s weird; most females would probably put lips, but I don’t think I stare at lips so much. It’s all about the expression and gaze above. I love eyebrows that seem like they have a life of their own: the ones that can twitch and move in very bizarre and unbalanced ways. You probably have no clue what I’m talking about, but check out the eyebrows of guys later and tell me if they seem to move on their own. As for eyes? I love blue eyes. No offense, but I do. And I have a thing for straight noses. There are people with super sharp nose that juts into the air, but that is not what I’m talking about. (I love Misha’s nose; I think that’s the part I stare at the most.)
6. Five o’clock shadows: That stubble at the end of the day? Sexiness in design. When I was younger, I liked clean-shaven, girly-looking guys. But now, I’m more into that facial hair. Don’t give me a bush, but the slight prickliness I can imagine feeling running my hands down his face makes me flutter inside.

I am an officially licensed driver!

Took the driving test yesterday. My appointment was supposedly set at 10:00 am, but I waited at least half an hour for the driving instructor to come out, so the test actually started at 10:20 or something. I was getting edgy just sitting in the car picturing how everything would turn out. There were two other cars in front of me waiting in line, and the lady instructors who came out looked very strict. I was nervous just looking at their inspection, but I think I got pretty lucky because I had a young male instructor who seemed pretty cool with everything. He said the test would take around 20 minutes, but I finished in half that time. My mom was surprised when she found me in the parking lot that early; I think she thought I failed.

Afterwards, went to Mindy’s house for our planned afternoon of intense gaming and TV watching. We played old Pokemon games on our Gameboy Colors and Gameboy Advances; it’s fun being old school. Pokemone games never get outdated. I battled Mindy using my Leaf Green version on her Game  Cube Pokemon XD (since she had that link cable thingy). I defeated her weaker team, but then she pulled out her level 90’s and whupped my ass. This calls for more visits to the Elite Four for some more intense training. Currently, my highest-leveled Pokemon is my Tyranitar at level 70.

Afterwards, we watched some Bakunon (or however you spell it; I can’t seem to remember how it was even pronounced). It’s an anime based on some gangsters in 1900’s New York or something. I liked the way they talked, but it was really, really bloody. I didn’t know what happened in the first episode at all except a lot of heads were getting cut off. Then we watched an episode of Supernatural because I insisted, so I chose “Yellow Fever” because it wasn’t really based on the whole Angels and Demons arc, but stood as a story by itself and it was one of the funnier ones. (Well, it wasn’t as funny if you have absolutely no clue what the show is about and what the characters are like. A lot of the spoofs were on Dean’s character.) Michelle chose afterwards, so we watched an episode of Ranma 1/2 on Youtube. It was so funny because this magic band aid made Ranma fall in love with every women he meets, yet it was cute in the end when he told Akane she was cute even without the band aid (thinking he still had it on). Then we watched some more anime: Ouran High School Host Club. I’ve only heard of it, but I’ve never watched it. Turns out to be extremely addicting. After one episode, we wanted more, so I watched 4-5 episodes before I had to go home (it was a little past 6 pm at this time).

Then I was so hyped because a new episode of Supernatural was to air at 9 pm. Cas looks so effing good, even if he’s drunk off his ass and a little emo. He was so cool in this episode, with that whole leaning in to Jared’s ear to whisper “Don’t ask stupid questions” and that appearing out of nowhere looking like a drunk hobo (a VERY VERY hot one at that) and stating matter of factly “I’m an angel of the Lord.” And he looked absolutely adorable when he tried telling the Winchester brothers about that whole Enochian joke and was grinning about it, and he looked so, so sad with that hangover and disappointment in his father. When the reverend said to Cas, “And you’re an angel of the lord” and Cas kind of just leaned against the wall and muttered, “And a poor example of one,” I just wanted to hug that guy to death. I found myself thinking dirty thoughts looking at a messed up, drunken Cas; shame on me!

And next episode will be even more spectacular! I squealed when i saw the trailer. Castiel is pissed off. Seriously. I’ve never seen that nerdy angel so ticked off before, but he’s got a fair reason. All that crap Dean used to throw at him he’s now returning the favor because Dean is being a jerk. Take a look at this trailer about how our little angel has really lost his patience: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYRHeyzDw_8

And here’s the trailer to the 100th episode: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBLuREvFneY
Cas is NOT happy. He’s gonna kick some angel ass (I hope he hands it to Zachariah; that S.O.B.!!!)