Comatose

It’s been raining. Seems like the weather is resembling my inner turmoil.

I don’t feel like there’s a purpose in anything. Nothing I accomplish makes me feel happy. It’s kind of scary how nothing gives me a feel of satisfaction anymore. All I know is that I’m failling miserably in a lot of things in my life. One of them is Calculus. It makes me very depressed.

I have three AP exams coming up that I’m goingto fail. Calculus is on Wednesday, and I’ve failed every test taken in class before. US. History is on Friday, and we’re just rushing through the Cold War right now (I have probably 15 chapters I still need to read in that book.) The only subject I’m a little prepared for is English, but I really want to receive a good grade in that subject. What the hell has happened to my life?

Everything has lost color and purpose. I don’t have the motivation to strive for better. Maybe it’s because I’ve always done pretty well ever since young, and now all these failures are throwing me into a pool of depression.

On top of that, I was stupid enough to join Track & Field. I did it for my friends, yet I knew I would always be one of the last ones still stuck practicing for some stupid League Finals or something. I knew it. I hate it. I cried a whole week last year because of it. I threw tempers at my parents because of it. I refused to it. I annoyed my friends with my complaints. And yet, I went and did that all over again. What the hell is wrong with me?

Okay, maybe I joined this year because I wanted it to look good on my college applications. That’s a stupid, immoral reason, isn’t it? But I’m not astounding, I’m not hardworking, I’m not super smart, so that was the only way I could think to stand out. Now I’m just going to stand out as a little loser who quit or dissed her coaches.

But then again, why can’t I join a sport because I like running? Why do people ALWAYS have to go and ruin is for me with competition? Can’t I choose to NOT compete? I don’t care if I win or not in a race; I just like going out and working out with my friends. How come EVEYRTHING has to be pushed into a competitive level, and so much that I even have practice on a freakin’ SUNDAY?

That’s not what I want. It’s what they want. And I get no say in anything I do. Even I reveal my feelings, they just get angry.

With that arises the next topic. To put it simply, life is nothing more than competition. You spend 99 percent of your time forcing yourself to be better so you can compete better and the other 1 percent living. We all want to be in that one percent, to live according to our own leisure and pleasure without outside interference or pressure. But that never seems to work. We’re too caught up, with internal and external smothering, in trivial things from grades and college to looks and weight. For some, that blows over. For others, those trivial things get held in private suffering for so long that it eventually evolves to a bigger problem. And from that point on, only three things can occur: release of the problem through positive means, release of the problem through negative means, or continual containment. From those three, I can only point out one good outcome.

I came across this written by one of my close friend. I think all I’m asking for, is that one percent right now. I know that there are a lot of other people in the world who, from birth, had never gotten anything they want. Because of that, I shouldn’t be complaining at all, but that pisses me off. There are problems in the world that hurt me, yet I have no say because there are others less fortunate? Why can’t I let out some of my sorrow because somebody else is suffering more? I sound selfish and inconsiderate right now, but maybe that’s just because I hate everything in life now….

I want to go and see a psychologist. I wonder if I’m seriously depressed. I don’t know. What do you call it when everything in life has lost its value?

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