Hold each other and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven

It’s been a, what, miserable one and a half day. I sound like I’m whining. I sound pathetic. But I don’t care. Not really.

I can barely fit my jeans anymore and I’ve been working out regularly but the flubber just keeps being packed on. My eyes water and my vision gets blurry when I have my contacts on for all of ten minutes. My room is near the end of this damn, skinny hall, lonely and cold in its inexistence to the rest of the world. And I’m sulking in here typing my moody moods down.

I just realized my french composition first draft was due yesterday; I had thought the due date was Monday because that’s what the professor said, but apparently she was wrong and now I’m not so sure if I should just rush it and see if I can turn it in on Monday because I have a whole bunch of other crap to do. The myth proposal is due on Tuesday and I don’t have a damn clue what to write even after going through eight research books (and it’s only supposed to be very general, only a page and a half long double-spaced come on!) and the myth midterm, which consists of two small essays using four reference texts, is due Thursday… and I don’t understand any of the topics at all. On top of that, my psychobio homework is due on Tuesday (the shortest amount of time the professor’s ever give us) and that damn midterm is on the following Monday and that class is just plain horrible. It doesn’t sound that bad, but I’m wading in total despair right now. What to do?

I’m so moody and crabby these days, and the desire I have to just pick a part of the world where no one else exists is actually scaring me. The little bit of conversation annoys me and the thought of having to go find someone for company pisses me off. What is this? I do enjoy hanging around with other people and there are people out there I love being around, but now I just want peace and quiet in some deserted piece of nature where it’s just me and my imagination.

There I’m going into self-pitying mode again, and now whenever this happens I have my parents voices running through my head. There’s my mom going, “Why do you have to think like that? Don’t think like that” and my dad giving the saintly chide, “Give without expecting anything in return, because it’s in the giving that brings happiness. If you only give to exchange for something in return, you won’t ever be happy.” Isn’t it kind of sad living in a world where you can’t expect anything good or kind from someone else in the same fashion in the acts being selfless and giving? How I can twist words around when I’m like this.

What do I want, really? For these essays to be done, for my pants to fit nicely, for someone who will lie with me under the stars and converse freely about everything and anything, who will listen quietly to everything I have to say without having to speak or give advice to let me know that he/she knows and understands. I want someone to love me for who I really am, for the good and the bad parts, for the funny and annoying ways, for the laughters and tears, for everything I am and everything I’m not. I want an angel just for me.