Junior Year Ends
There’s only one more day of school left! Can you believe it?
I already finished all my Finals, so tomorrow is al for PARTAAAYYYING!!
Junior year was a stressful, depressing, nerve-wrecking, heart attack-inducing year. Yet, we all pulled through and lived to tell the tale. I’m happy we’re going to be seniors next year. Time is going by so fast (distortion of reality) and soon we’ll be going to college. But we still have this milestone (applications to colleges, waiting, rejection letters….)
I want to get into a college that I like, not just going for some crazy Ivy League schools I will never get in. Even if I did, it’s just a name I can shove into other people’s faces when they ask me which school I go to. So what? It’s more important to go for what you want to study than what you want others to think of you.
And now in the midst of this joy, I look forward to a busy summer and a hectic senior year. I’m already afraid of what’s to come.
Kakashi Lives!
I swear Chapter 449 has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve seen Kishimoto pull out of his hat… and he’s been pulling out a lot of unbelievability nowadays.
At least Kakashi is alive and well. And we get to stare at his father a little longer. And we find out that his mom died way young.
Faire l’escalade à Yosemite
(I must continue this once summer starts. I am determined to finish this.)
Hier (dimanche 5/24), j’ai fais l’escalade avec mon père et son copain. Mon père et moi sommes reveillés à 6 heures du matin et nous sommes allés à l’auberge de son copain trente minutes après. Nous avon pris le copain de mon père et mon père a conduit au parc nationale. Nous nous sommes arrêtés en chemin pour prendre le petit déjeuner à Ihop. J’ai pris des œufs; du jambon; pommes de terre cuites, écrasées et brunies dans de l’huile; et du pain perdu aux fraises. Suivant, nous avons continué pour 2-3 plus heures.
Nous nous sommes arrivés à Yosemite vers 11 heures, et il y avait déjà beaucoup de voitures! Nous avons attendu un long temps pour entre dans le parc. Après, je pense, trente minutes, nous sommes entrés dans le parc et nous avons commencé à chercher le chemin que nous allons marcher.
Comatose
It’s been raining. Seems like the weather is resembling my inner turmoil.
I don’t feel like there’s a purpose in anything. Nothing I accomplish makes me feel happy. It’s kind of scary how nothing gives me a feel of satisfaction anymore. All I know is that I’m failling miserably in a lot of things in my life. One of them is Calculus. It makes me very depressed.
I have three AP exams coming up that I’m goingto fail. Calculus is on Wednesday, and I’ve failed every test taken in class before. US. History is on Friday, and we’re just rushing through the Cold War right now (I have probably 15 chapters I still need to read in that book.) The only subject I’m a little prepared for is English, but I really want to receive a good grade in that subject. What the hell has happened to my life?
Everything has lost color and purpose. I don’t have the motivation to strive for better. Maybe it’s because I’ve always done pretty well ever since young, and now all these failures are throwing me into a pool of depression.
On top of that, I was stupid enough to join Track & Field. I did it for my friends, yet I knew I would always be one of the last ones still stuck practicing for some stupid League Finals or something. I knew it. I hate it. I cried a whole week last year because of it. I threw tempers at my parents because of it. I refused to it. I annoyed my friends with my complaints. And yet, I went and did that all over again. What the hell is wrong with me?
Okay, maybe I joined this year because I wanted it to look good on my college applications. That’s a stupid, immoral reason, isn’t it? But I’m not astounding, I’m not hardworking, I’m not super smart, so that was the only way I could think to stand out. Now I’m just going to stand out as a little loser who quit or dissed her coaches.
But then again, why can’t I join a sport because I like running? Why do people ALWAYS have to go and ruin is for me with competition? Can’t I choose to NOT compete? I don’t care if I win or not in a race; I just like going out and working out with my friends. How come EVEYRTHING has to be pushed into a competitive level, and so much that I even have practice on a freakin’ SUNDAY?
That’s not what I want. It’s what they want. And I get no say in anything I do. Even I reveal my feelings, they just get angry.
With that arises the next topic. To put it simply, life is nothing more than competition. You spend 99 percent of your time forcing yourself to be better so you can compete better and the other 1 percent living. We all want to be in that one percent, to live according to our own leisure and pleasure without outside interference or pressure. But that never seems to work. We’re too caught up, with internal and external smothering, in trivial things from grades and college to looks and weight. For some, that blows over. For others, those trivial things get held in private suffering for so long that it eventually evolves to a bigger problem. And from that point on, only three things can occur: release of the problem through positive means, release of the problem through negative means, or continual containment. From those three, I can only point out one good outcome.
I came across this written by one of my close friend. I think all I’m asking for, is that one percent right now. I know that there are a lot of other people in the world who, from birth, had never gotten anything they want. Because of that, I shouldn’t be complaining at all, but that pisses me off. There are problems in the world that hurt me, yet I have no say because there are others less fortunate? Why can’t I let out some of my sorrow because somebody else is suffering more? I sound selfish and inconsiderate right now, but maybe that’s just because I hate everything in life now….
I want to go and see a psychologist. I wonder if I’m seriously depressed. I don’t know. What do you call it when everything in life has lost its value?
Junior Prom
Our school’s Junior Prom was on April 25th at our school’s theatre. It was from 7pm-11pm. And hell, it was A LOT of fun (plus a lot of toe losing feeling due to high heels…)
We had two more other club activities on the same day: March of Dimes and Children’s Fair. I woke up at around 7:50am to get dressed and ready. My dad drove me to Michelle’s house at around 8:20 and we went to the March of Dimes. Arrived at around 9-ish. My dad went off to jog in some random route, so Michelle and I, not wanting to walk the whole 10k, walked the family route (which was like a loop) and then went back to the stage area to listen to the band playing. Then my dad came back and we got free food there (both Michelle and I decided to get Veggie Hot Dogs xD). We left at around 10:30 to go to the Children’s Fair.
At the Children’s Fair, we went through obstacle courses with some little kids. We ended up just giving children rides on the parachute or creating a tent for them to run through. At noon, we went to get some free food for the helpers and pizza. Michelle and I freaked at the pizza box: it was X-Men Origins: Wolverine! With a very sexy and buff Hugh Jackman in the front. We ended up going through the trash can to find clean boxes so we could rip the front cover off. =)
I got home at around 2pm. After lounging for awhile, I went to take a shower. Then I painted my nails (they took SO LONG because I had to paint them silver first and wait for them to dry, then paint glitter over them, for BOTH HANDS). Then my mom did my hair; she braided them in the back and stuck flower and butterfly pins on. I took off my contacts before I took a shower so I could rest them for a bit, so I had to put them back on before my mom applied makeup. When she was trying to curl my eyelashes, she accidentally pinched my eyelids instead (now I have a small cut), so I just did it myself. I was supposed to arrive by Mindy’s house at 5pm, but I was already late. I was rushing out the door when my mom exclaimed, “You forgot lipstick!” So we went to search for a light colored, glossy one and rushed out the door.
I was the last one to arrive at Mindy’s house. It was so exciting and fun when the doors opened and we all stared at each other’s appearances. Rhenchie’s dress looked nice (even though I remembered it as something less pretty….) and I loved her hair. Michelle looked soooooooo mature. Haha, I loved that curvy black dress (and how the bottom was slanted). It’s funny how she just bought her earrings and shoes a couple hours ago. Mindy had a super low-V cut dress. During dinner, we all made fun saying how she should wear a tighter bra so we can see the line between her boobs (sadly I can never see mine).
Mindy’s dad drove us to Chili’s for dinner at around 5:30pm. I think we drew everyone’s attention when we walked into the restaurant. Mindy and I shared ribs (one of them was called the “Memphis Dry Rub”) and Michelle and Rhenchie shared a steak. After we were done, we all went to the bathroom to either reapply makeup or brush our teeth. Then Mindy called her parents (who was dining at Applebee’s with her sister) to come and pick us up. We sat around and drank water for a awhile. They called Mindy when they arrived and we went back to Mindy’s house because they forgot to do something *cough* apply deodorant *cough*
We arrived at the school at 8pm, and not a lot of people was there (even though the dance started at 7pm and doors opened 30min before that). There was a line of rock images going into the theatre and we tried walking in a straight line on it. It was REALLY cold outside, and I didn’t have a jacket because nothing went with my dress (all I could do was try and maintain warmth with my tiny shawl). We checked our things in and went into the theatre. It was so dark inside that I was kind of disappointed because no one could see my makeup anyways. EVERYONE inside was freak dancing. It was crazy how inappropriate those moves are (and the funny thing was teachers at the side were just supervising and watching.) It was awkward, so we decided to go out and take pictures. Walked to the room but something happened so we walked back. I tried to dance a little with the music. We took some pictures in the dark, so the flash was going crazy. After awhile, we became more comfortable and the songs were familiar, so we started dancing more. It was half hilarious and half disgusting seeing people on the floor doing some crazy inappropriate move. Lol. I had some apple juice and Mountain Dew (shared with Michelle), and we just plain sat down for a awhile at 10 something to rest our feet because the high heels were making them numb. Other than that, we pretty much danced the whole time. I had a lot of fun going crazy and trying to copy other people’s moves (WITHOUT some guy behind me though). The four of us tried freak dancing and got into a line, but we didn’t touch each other and we weren’t committing humping movements, so that doesn’t count. The dance ended with the song “With You” by Chris Brown. We took some more pictures and went home. By the time I was done cleaning and everything, it was 12 something. Bleh.
It was hella fun though. Can’t wait for Senior Ball now! (I shall post up pictures once I clean out some from my computer because I’ve got no more room…. ;;_;;)
Happy Birthday, Doctor
Wishing you an unforgetful Happy 38th Birthday, dear the awesome 10th Doctor David Tennant. Have a good one!
Everybody else has better…
What everybody else has is always better than what we have ourselves.
The same phone looks like a prize in someone else’s hands when it’s just a scrap of plastic in ours. The same car looks like it costs much more than the metal box we drive in. The handwriting of our fellow classmates’ aways look nicer than ours. The clothes our friends have always look more hip and up-to-date than our old rags. The list goes on and on until we are succumbed in bitterness and envy.
We’re never satisfied with what we have, with what we possess, with what we are as a human being. We’re always too fat, too short, too ugly, to dumb, too lazy, too bratty, too rude, and “too” anything else that degrade ourselves and cover up the potentials that lie within us.
Everyone is born with some talent. There is no two humans exactly alike. We have our goods and bads, maybe some people have more of one than the other, but we are all worth something. Yet, why do we always pick out our bad aspects and thrust them forward to compete with someone else?
I wish I truly believe in what I said above and stick to that forever and ever for every second of my life. But sometimes, life just seems so unfair. How come I’m not as smart at math or english or french or whatever? Why am I not as fast as that girl who hasn’t even trained as long as I have? How come everything I say turn out wrong? Why can’t I just get something right for once?
But why can’t anyone see the good in me? How come, after I’m starting to love the way I am, I’m always put down with somebody else’s kid? Somebody else’s kid who is smarter, who is harder-working, who gets better grades, who can get into a better school, who has a brighter future than a failure like me who only knows how to talk back to the people who love me?
And it’s at these times that I hate myself for being useless and my parents for comparing us like that and for all the people out there whom I’m being compared to. But doesn’t my talents, my potentials, what I have count as something?
Yet in this godforsaken, screwed-up, “civilized” world we live in, not everything that people have will earn the respect and value of importance as the talents other have. We go to school to learn about math, english, history, science. How can anything beat those “valuable” traits that, once we master them, will be hailed as king and queen of all mankind? If you’re good at math, you’re one hell of a genius. If you’re good at english, you’re one hell of a genius. If you’re good at history, you’re one hell of genius. If you’re good at science, you’re one hell of a genius. If you’re good at running, well, that’s good for you, but running will not give you the money you need to live. And because of that, you just don’t live up to those geniuses out there. If you’re good at drawing, you’re most likely the first one to lose your job. Afterall, marveling at the beauties of life portayed in those art pieces aren’t as practical as spending millions researching how to create bombs that can blow the world ten times over.
And these days, when it comes to how our future is going to be like, it’s all about which college we get into. But the way of getting into colleges have been so systemized and business-like that it just seems so fake. At the end, it’s all about who has more money. Then we all come to realize, it’s all about the money. Money can get you private tutors, money can get you SAT/ACT practices and lessons, money can allow you to take the 40 dollar test ten times until you are satisfied with your score, money can let you take the five other subject tests you need to show off just how smart you are so colleges will accept you, money can buy the seven AP tests you don’t know why you’re taking but you’re doing it because everyone else is doing so, money can pay for the 40,000 dollar a year tuition charged when you finally enter a four-year private college where you will probably stay longer than the designated four year just so you can get all your credits in, money can pay for the hundreds of thousands needed when you enter grduate school, and after years and years of studying at school, you finally enter real society with a PhD, maybe two, maybe three, plus Master’s Degree in some other totally insignificant to your work in the future.
And everyone will love you, will admire you, will hail you as king and queen of the world. There’s nothing wrong with that. You worked hard for it. You gave up so many years for it. You deserve it.
Yet, not everyone is like you, and because of you, most other people are not given any value. You become the model everyone wants to live up to. But not everyone can in this lifetime. We know that, we should know that, yet we don’t. We look forward to the same future, but for most of us, it’s beyond our grasp, no matter how hard we try.
And then it comes down to what I lack. Hard-work. If you’ve got no money to make yourself look perfect, then you have to try all that much harder to achieve what you want. And that’s just what I don’t have from what I hear. I think I try hard, maybe not as hard as could be, maybe not as hard as everyone around me, but I really think I put in effort. Maybe not all concentrated in one area, but I try to make the best in almost everything I do.
Why can’t anyone see it? Maybe I’m really not trying at all. I don’t know. What can be considered as “work hard?” I don’t know. I wish I can work hard like other people (see? comparison?) but I just don’t. At the end of trying to please everyone and to soar for a goal that will always be out of reach, I end up with just bitterness and hatred.
If you love someone else’s kid that much, if he/she always win when we’re compared no matter what, if you’ll just be happier off with a genius as a son or daughter, if you can take pride and brag about which great college and what higher score was obtained, then go ahead and throw me out. I’ll never be great as them.
The Weight Issue
I just found this article: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/health/user-post-what-is-my-ideal-weight-5-tips-for-finding-your-happy-weight-393032
It actually made me feel a lot better about myself now. Lolz. I’ve been pigging out a lot, and me being the dessert freak I am, I tend to eat more sweets than actual food. So… that’s been pretty depressing. Plus I’ve got track to run, so I’ve been wondering if my lack of ability this year is due to a gaining in weight. Because, yes, I was super anorexic skinny last school year, and this year I just let myself go. I eat whatever I want whenever I want. Yes, there are times when I actually feel happy that I’m not bothered by what I’m doing, but then there are also times when I just grab that bulk of fat and squeeze it in hopes that it would miracuously vanish.
I love food. It’s one of the most important factors in my life, and if I don’t get it I get angry. However, I have a tendency to spurge a lot, so THEN I get angry too. It’s so frustrating sometimes. I guess, after reading that article, I should just be happy with what I can do and what I have. Yes, it’s always good to have moderation, and I’ll work on that, but I shouldn’t cry about every little wrong I find in myself, because, let’s face it, no one’s perfect. I’m always going to be unhappy with myself, with how I look, with what I can do, with what I have, and it’s just never going to end. Maybe I should find my inner peace and stop complaining so much.
With that said, I must go and do my history homework. I’m not going to complain, but… ><;;;
OMG I got earrings!
FINALLY! For the love of God I finally went to Claire’s and got myself some piercings. Yayness~ =)
I’m really scared of getting an infection now. I mean, I think almost everyone has had one, but I’m still scared. Lol. It took a long time for me to actually bring up the courage to tell the lady at the store that she could stick the earrings on.
I hate needles. I hate anything pointy and sharp and goes through your skin. The lady had to give me a huge teddy bear to hug while she got ready to snap the earrings on. ><
My earlobes still stings right now (duh…), so I keep on pulling my chin to relieve the pain by applying pain somewhere else. Haha.
I need to clean the hole 3 times a day for 6 weeks and rotate the earring a full 360 degrees every day. I don’t know how I’m going to run in the track meets now since there’s a stupid rule saying athletes can’t wear jewelry when racing. I am NOT going to take off my rings and let the hole close up just for the sake of racing. If anyone forces me, I’m going to make that person pay me 80 bucks total for the cost of getting the rings and the pain plus terror I had to go through.
A mom was getting her baby earrings when I went to the store to get mine. The baby was so cute. >< She had no idea what the lady was doing rubbing and drawing on her ears. Then when the lady shot the earrings on, the baby started wailing. It was so sad. Got me freaked out.
Not So Movie-Like Reality
Just came back from my ski trip. It was snowing the whole time there and raining the whole way back.
It was around 7 something at night when it happened, so it was dark already and there wasn’t a lot of lights next to the high way. My dad was driving when he and my mom noticed this truck speeding in the inside lane kicking up water.
Then the truck slid and spun out of control. Next thing I knew, I was staring at a truck flipping over the edge of the high way and falling into oblivion….
We instantly got off the high way and called 911.
